Lately I’ve been finding that the life lessons I’m trying to instill in my daughter are the same ones that I share with clients. I keep repeating things to her such as “you can’t control her feelings.” Perhaps middle school is the time when we hear these lessons, but don’t learn these lessons. And that’s because our brains are still developing until our early 20s. Though you likely know it’s not your responsibility to control everything, if you didn’t truly believe that as a kid, you’re still carrying the mindset and related behaviors in adulthood.
Scenario 1
You believe you are responsible for the mood of the room. If a partner is grumpy, a colleague is stressed, or a child is acting out, you may feel the need to fix the vibe.
Lesson 1: It’s not your responsibility to make everybody happy. You can offer support, but you cannot control another person’s internal state. When you try to change their mood, you take on the burden of their emotions, which inevitably leads to exhaustion.
Scenario 2
Whether it’s a kid forgetting homework, a coworker missing a deadline, a partner forgetting an appointment, or a friend making a poor decision, you might step in to save them from the consequences.
Lesson 2: It’s not your responsibility to protect others from failure. By preventing others from failing, you are actually preventing them from learning. Holding someone’s hand or doing the work for them robs them of their own growth and consumes your time and energy you need for your own work.
Scenario 3
You see how much better someone could be if they just did X, Y, or Z. You start coaching them unsolicited, trying to push them toward their potential.
Lesson 3: It’s not your responsibility to manage other people’s potential. You cannot care more about someone’s success or health than they do. When you invest more energy into their growth than they are willing to invest themselves, you’re adding to your mental load.
Scenario 4
You live in a constant state of “pre-solving.” You manage the mental load of the entire family or team predicting what everyone needs before they even know it themselves.
Lesson 4: It’s not your responsibility to anticipate other people’s needs. It stems from the belief that if you don’t do it, it won’t get done (or it won’t get done right.)
Each of these scenarios reveals how your need for control is showing up. While control is a basic human need, when we consistently try to control other people, our stress levels rise.
Controlling behavior is a response to the feeling that something in your life feels out of control. If any of the above scenarios resonate with you, pause and ask yourself what feels out of control.
It could be a child who constantly leaves clutter around the house.
It could be illness and caretaking for family members.
It could be an overflowing schedule with no time for self-care.
It could be a situation that you are refusing to accept even though it’s beyond your control.
Moving through these stressful times means intentional self-care. Walking is my favorite method of self-care. It’s an amazing way to reset. And I often walk without headphones to really decompress. Multi-tasking by listening to a podcast just adds to an overstimulated system. Music might also be overstimulating depending on the type, but hearing the birds is calming.
The habit of self-care will decrease stress levels by aiding recovery from stressors. In addition, long-term relief happens when you address your mindset. Limiting beliefs that are driving coping mechanisms are present when you’re trying to control things that aren’t your responsibility.
If you’d like help with reducing your mental load, check out my Return to Self program.
